Burnout.

I'M JUST SO OVER IT.

So many voices. So many stories. So many transitions. Of course, the first thing I did on the day Morgan Edwin Odysseus Wagner was born, was to go online to find resources and possible friends, or even mentors, to help me through this process. I have now dropped out of half the Facebook groups that I joined in the first week, and found at least two local transmen who are also early in their journey.

I've tried to narrow my focus, because some of these men-- boys-- they are, frankly, emotionally draining to interact with. I am past all the questioning. I don't post " do I pass" pictures (that doesn't really matter to me as much as you might think.) I don't have a big dramatic coming-out story at work or school, so I can't relate directly to that. I have the support of my parents-in-law. Even my mother is becoming more and more receptive to the information I am providing her.

I don't want to sound harsh, but I didn't join the Facebook groups to read about a bunch of anguish about coming out to parents and horror stories about botched surgeries and adverse effects of hormones. Yes, these things happen. Yes, it's important to be aware of the risks. So, okay, I'm aware. Maybe, someday, when I'm further along in my medical transition, I can be a mentor to someone who is struggling, but right now, I need it to be all about me.

Facts. I want facts, and explanations of medical procedures, and information about the risks and benefits of going on testosterone. I want to know about the different ways testosterone can be delivered -- shots, gels, patches, creams, et cetera. I've come to the conclusion that the things I want to know are going to come from my therapists and doctors. No one else's experience is exactly like mine. I don't have anything in common with most of these people other than the fact that we happen to be trans. So why bother?

I don't get much out of the weekly trans support group I go to on Wednesdays, because most of the time I am literally the odd man out. I will keep going to support Jaymie, but I honestly feel like I'm past a lot of the stuff that comes up in group.It seems to me that some trans folks go into it unsure of what they want out of it.

But for me, this has been a long time coming. I know exactly what I want. Top surgery, for certain, and testosterone therapy, if not contraindicated by any of my other medications or health issues. Continued therapy to keep up on how I'm doing in my new identity. And, of course, sessions with a marital counselor specializing in gender issues so that Jaymie and I can grow together. 

So I'm going to refrain from joining any more Facebook pages about trans men. Being a "trans person" isn't the core of my being. I'm just me. I'm waiting for some stuff to happen to make my body match what's on the inside, but that's it. There's nothing more to do. Just wait, make phone calls to doctors, keep going to therapy, get tests done, keep moving forward. 

And join some more Facebook groups about, I don't know, dinosaurs or something.