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Why am I unhappy?
Apr. 23rd, 2019 10:18 pm- Hormonal drama. A month on T. I've hit a wall. Does that mean anything?
- Boredom. All I really do is sit around online all day. I don't go out and take walks (there are no sidewalks here) and even if I could drive, Jaymie has the car most of the day. I don't have people over, either, because mostly they have jobs and things.
- Loneliness. See above.
- Anxiety. The normal, garden variety kind and the "OMG, am I passing?" kind. Panic attacks.
- Homesickness. I really miss Columbus, and the house. I miss the tree outside my window, that wasn't really our tree but it bent over into our yard. There are no trees outside my window, here. Not close, anyway. I miss the house. I miss hearing rain on the roof, and not hearing upstairs neighbors. I really don't like this place much. I never told Jaymie that. It was the best option at the time and it's one level. Best for me, right? And it had a blue room that was going to me my room so I concentrated on that. Otherwise, I'm kind of uncomfortable.
- Lack of viable wardrobe for "passing."
- Exhaustion. I keep falling asleep at my computer during the day. Poor sleep at night? Hormones again? Depression? Fibromyalgia?
- Lack of ability to express myself. Yaaaasssss. This is a thing. I want to be Ziggy fucking Stardust but the world wants me to be Typical Guy in his 40s. I want to wear something other than polos and button-ups and tees in patterns other than plain or plaid or stupid. All the patterns I like are like $400 or something. I want to be fabulous and wear scarves and nail polish and maybe even more makeup than I wore as a girl. But I can't. Not yet. Not until...
- The boobs. The boobs have to go. They're just kind of hanging there, not doing me any good, just getting in the way, dangling there like over-ripe fruit.
- PAIN. OMG I AM SO TIRED OF BEING IN SO MUCH PAIN ALL THE FUCKING TIME JUST GIVE ME THE DRUGS ALREADY
- I want a dog. And a snake. And a hedgehog. And an axlotl. But that has nothing to do with anything other than that I'm eccentric and I like weird animals. But an aquarium would be nice. It would give me something to do, at least
