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Odd man out
Mar. 11th, 2019 12:45 pm As I have said before, I am a feminist. What I wasn't clear about is that unconsciously growing into male privilege actually frightens me. I'm fretting about things like, "Wow, can I share positive memes about women's bodies on Facebook anymore without looking like a lech?" and "What, if anything, is going to change about my spirituality?" and "Wow, I can't date lesbians anymore!" (Like that last one ever worked out. I always told lesbians I was interested in that I was bi, but it was as if they could sniff out my inner maleness somehow and the relationship would explode before it even got started. Huh. I can date trans-friendly gay guys now, so I guess I've just changed demographics.)
Anyway, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure that as my appearance changes, the way people react to me will change as well. How will I handle that? For instance, I've often complained that doctors treat me differently initially because they read me as "fat woman" and subsequently diagnose me as "fat woman" regardless of what's actually going on. Yet, a man, also very overweight, could walk into a doctor's office and walk out with pain meds, theoretically. I've seen and experienced the double-standard.
Will people be intimidated by me? I'm not all that tall, but I'm a big guy, and once the familial male pattern baldness sets in, I will probably shave my head and get it tattooed. Yeah. I will probably come off as more intimidating than I do now, especially if I have a beard. I don't want to scare anyone, though, especially women.
As mentioned before, I didn't grow up with the pressure most boys do to be tough and emotionless ... okay, maybe I did, a little; my father was pretty hard on me at times. The point is, with every beard hair, the deeper my voice gets, the way others react to me will change, and I have to accept and deal with that. Some of it will be positive. I hope that most of it will be positive. Some of it will be negative, because, well, some women are uncomfortable around all men, and some men will figure out that I wasn't born with a dick and want to kick me in my non-existent testicles for it.
There are no easy answers as to how I will handle any of these scenarios. To women, I wish to be a gentle and reassuring presence. I hope that men will accept me as a peer, but never see me as a rival, because I don't go in for all that masculine posturing shit. I don't want to be part of that crowd. I don't care what they think, but I am afraid of what they might do to me or those I hold dear.
As to my spirituality, an eclectic form of Norse Paganism (Heathenry,) I wonder if my gods will see me any differently. I feel that one of them, in particular, set me on this journey on purpose, and my transformation is, in itself, a form of worship. I did always seem to connect more with the Divine Masculine than the Divine Feminine.
In the end, I will be my own kind of man, and there will be no other men like me. I know that I will experience male privilege. Having grown up in a woman's body, I hope to gods I don't ever turn that into male entitlement. i know that I will feel guilty about it. I will endeavor to use it to help others.
Anyway, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure that as my appearance changes, the way people react to me will change as well. How will I handle that? For instance, I've often complained that doctors treat me differently initially because they read me as "fat woman" and subsequently diagnose me as "fat woman" regardless of what's actually going on. Yet, a man, also very overweight, could walk into a doctor's office and walk out with pain meds, theoretically. I've seen and experienced the double-standard.
Will people be intimidated by me? I'm not all that tall, but I'm a big guy, and once the familial male pattern baldness sets in, I will probably shave my head and get it tattooed. Yeah. I will probably come off as more intimidating than I do now, especially if I have a beard. I don't want to scare anyone, though, especially women.
As mentioned before, I didn't grow up with the pressure most boys do to be tough and emotionless ... okay, maybe I did, a little; my father was pretty hard on me at times. The point is, with every beard hair, the deeper my voice gets, the way others react to me will change, and I have to accept and deal with that. Some of it will be positive. I hope that most of it will be positive. Some of it will be negative, because, well, some women are uncomfortable around all men, and some men will figure out that I wasn't born with a dick and want to kick me in my non-existent testicles for it.
There are no easy answers as to how I will handle any of these scenarios. To women, I wish to be a gentle and reassuring presence. I hope that men will accept me as a peer, but never see me as a rival, because I don't go in for all that masculine posturing shit. I don't want to be part of that crowd. I don't care what they think, but I am afraid of what they might do to me or those I hold dear.
As to my spirituality, an eclectic form of Norse Paganism (Heathenry,) I wonder if my gods will see me any differently. I feel that one of them, in particular, set me on this journey on purpose, and my transformation is, in itself, a form of worship. I did always seem to connect more with the Divine Masculine than the Divine Feminine.
In the end, I will be my own kind of man, and there will be no other men like me. I know that I will experience male privilege. Having grown up in a woman's body, I hope to gods I don't ever turn that into male entitlement. i know that I will feel guilty about it. I will endeavor to use it to help others.
