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In an earlier entry, I said that the first time I tried coming out as a guy I did everything wrong. I said that I "overdid it," shunning everything remotely feminine. I did do that. I got rid of anything even remotely feminine, even if I really liked it. That was misguided. There is a fine line, however, that a trans person must walk, especially at the beginning of transition, between being perceived as your real gender and taking it too far. In my case, it's taking it too far into the masculine.
Let me give you some examples. There is no reason why I have to start dressing like a "typical" 41-year-old guy when I don't like typical 41-year-old guy clothes. Jeans and geeky t-shirts, which I wore 90% of the time when I was presenting female, will still do just fine. (I bought one polo shirt today because I actually liked the pattern on it, but that's an anomaly.) The fact is that if I want to be gendered correctly, I'm going to have to amp up the "man" in my wardrobe for a while.
Once I go on T, though, and my features start getting less soft and my voice gets deeper, I will feel freer to express myself more the way I see myself in my head. I may wear a hockey jersey on occasion, but I'm actually drawn to the androgynous aesthetic, which includes wearing makeup and nail polish sometimes, and being generally fabulous. (Also, I want to be a goth when I grow up.)
I'm continually reinventing myself on the outside, and part of that is because a very practical and mundane reason: I have a limited and dwindling wardrobe, especially now that I don't feel comfortable in women's clothing. My wardrobe, like me, needs to be refreshed and renewed. I am pressing the reset button on my life, after all.
I don't feel like I am expressing myself with my usual eloquence tonight. I feel like if you read what I wrote, you'll think I don't know that I can express my individuality any way I want and not feel pressured to look a certain way for a certain audience. This goes double for me, since I don't work. I'm trying to find the words to explain what I mean.
I feel like I have to go a little bit past the finish line and then come back a few steps to where I'm comfortable, equally for the benefit of others and for my own satisfaction from being read as male without the assistance of pronoun buttons. Does that make sense?
I also think that, though I've settled on male pronouns, cut my hair, begun presenting as male, using men's toiletries, and going to the men's room, there's still an enby in there who will never die. I think that a successful transition for me will mean using he/him and they/them pronouns where appropriate.
Let me give you some examples. There is no reason why I have to start dressing like a "typical" 41-year-old guy when I don't like typical 41-year-old guy clothes. Jeans and geeky t-shirts, which I wore 90% of the time when I was presenting female, will still do just fine. (I bought one polo shirt today because I actually liked the pattern on it, but that's an anomaly.) The fact is that if I want to be gendered correctly, I'm going to have to amp up the "man" in my wardrobe for a while.
Once I go on T, though, and my features start getting less soft and my voice gets deeper, I will feel freer to express myself more the way I see myself in my head. I may wear a hockey jersey on occasion, but I'm actually drawn to the androgynous aesthetic, which includes wearing makeup and nail polish sometimes, and being generally fabulous. (Also, I want to be a goth when I grow up.)
I'm continually reinventing myself on the outside, and part of that is because a very practical and mundane reason: I have a limited and dwindling wardrobe, especially now that I don't feel comfortable in women's clothing. My wardrobe, like me, needs to be refreshed and renewed. I am pressing the reset button on my life, after all.
I don't feel like I am expressing myself with my usual eloquence tonight. I feel like if you read what I wrote, you'll think I don't know that I can express my individuality any way I want and not feel pressured to look a certain way for a certain audience. This goes double for me, since I don't work. I'm trying to find the words to explain what I mean.
I feel like I have to go a little bit past the finish line and then come back a few steps to where I'm comfortable, equally for the benefit of others and for my own satisfaction from being read as male without the assistance of pronoun buttons. Does that make sense?
I also think that, though I've settled on male pronouns, cut my hair, begun presenting as male, using men's toiletries, and going to the men's room, there's still an enby in there who will never die. I think that a successful transition for me will mean using he/him and they/them pronouns where appropriate.
