No more space.

 This journal has become a repository for my feelings about my relationship with my mother. This is supposed to be my transition journal, not my mother's journal. As of right now, 4/22/2019 8:59 PM, she gets no more space in this journal, full stop. 

Let's talk about T! Week 3

Physical changes!

I don't have any idea what T is actually doing to my body! I have only been on it for three weeks, so there aren't any truly noticeable changes yet, But Jaymie says she notices subtle changes in the shape of my face around my jaw, and I think my eyebrows are bushier. My skin has always been pretty oily, so it's hard to tell if it's been any more oily or thicker than usual. I've started using witch hazel as a toner before I moisturize, and it seems to keep the oil down. 

I am somewhere between indifferent and disgusted by my breasts. They have scars from the previous reduction. They're still sort of "perky" from the lift I was automatically given when I got my reduction. I hope to gods my previous surgery doesn't get in the way of my top surgery now.,because of all the scar tissue. 

Emotional changes!

I've been incredibly introspective and moody. I don't know if I can blame this solely on the testosterone and not simply the emotional shock of my transition being a reality. To be honest, I am still in shock, and i am still scared, and I am still on the brink of, "Well, if I turned back now, the T wouldn't have made that much of a difference, and i could just be a girl again. i could just make this whole thing go away and not ever think about it ever again." Of course, that's ridiculous, but it's hard, when I see a selfie from eight years ago in which I looked really pretty (thought I looked ugly at the time) and kind of wish I could go back. But then I'm left to thinking, was i really happy, or was i putting on a costume and fooling even myself? I'm already someone else. Does it matter? Is this something I should take seriously, or is it just "stage fright?" I constantly reassure myself that I am still allowed to like the same things, to dislike the same things, to not act like a typical cis/het man, that I am not passing my body and personality through a die that is going to cut away pieces of my personality. Instead, it's going to cut away stuff I don't need anymore, and I'll be stronger for it. Right? RIGHT?? Someone reassure me before I explode.

Sexual changes! TMi WARNING: MASTURBATION!
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Because of the psychiatric drugs that I am on, I am starting from absolutely rock-bottom, zero libido. I have been hoping against hope that T would help to change that. Well, I think it's beginning to. I'm starting to feel aroused again in certain situations, and I had an erotic dream the other night. I experimented with one of my vibrators and was able to get myself off within 20 minutes. However, there were no contractions with my climax. But an orgasm is an orgasm, and I"ll take it. I haven't been able to get off in less than 40 minutes in... probably years.

Stay tuned for Week 4!