![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Am I a man, yet?
Jul. 11th, 2019 02:24 pmYes, of course! But my body isn't showing it quite yet, and I still see a lot of feminine features when I look in the mirror (BOOBS), So I feel like I can't stand up and say "I am a man." I feel like I'm in some nebulous space between genders, and not the kind I might want to be - gender-fluid and the like. I just don't see a man, yet,and I know it's going to take a long time, and I know that if I wasn't a man already I wouldn't be taking testosterone and planning to have my breasts removed..and looking forward to it. My chest will be a canvas, and I have plans for tattoos I'm going to get. (money is another matter.) I want to celebrate my new body, even if it is still fat You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to that.
But that's just the physical stuff. .I have these fears that because I didn't grow up male- that I was never treated as a little boy- that it makes me less me less of a man, or that learning how to socialize as a man is going to be extremely difficult. Then again, most of my friends are queer, and I don't see that changing, so there's that.
There's still that part of my brain that tells me I am making a terrible mistake, and that I should stop right now before I "ruin" myself. But then I realize words like "ruin yourself" are coming straight out of my mother's mouth. They're an artifact of her impact on my thinking, My mother doesn't really want me to be happy. She just wants me to be just like her. That's ho it's always been. This is as far away from "being her" as I could possibly get.
I know all this, have known all this, and yet, there is a hesitation, a hesitation that varies from day to day. But when I take that needle and pierce my skin with it, I feel a powerful sense of "me." At that moment, I know I a doing exactly the right thing, and that I will be happier and happier the more and more the hormones change my body.
Another affirmation: I am my wife's husband. Not will be. Am. And I like the sound of that.
But that's just the physical stuff. .I have these fears that because I didn't grow up male- that I was never treated as a little boy- that it makes me less me less of a man, or that learning how to socialize as a man is going to be extremely difficult. Then again, most of my friends are queer, and I don't see that changing, so there's that.
There's still that part of my brain that tells me I am making a terrible mistake, and that I should stop right now before I "ruin" myself. But then I realize words like "ruin yourself" are coming straight out of my mother's mouth. They're an artifact of her impact on my thinking, My mother doesn't really want me to be happy. She just wants me to be just like her. That's ho it's always been. This is as far away from "being her" as I could possibly get.
I know all this, have known all this, and yet, there is a hesitation, a hesitation that varies from day to day. But when I take that needle and pierce my skin with it, I feel a powerful sense of "me." At that moment, I know I a doing exactly the right thing, and that I will be happier and happier the more and more the hormones change my body.
Another affirmation: I am my wife's husband. Not will be. Am. And I like the sound of that.
