Gender Euphoria

 Yesterday was a very long day. For me, most of it was good; for Jaymie, not so much. 

First, the bad news: We found ourselves in an ER for over 5 hours, and came away with no diagnosis for a  painful swelling in my lower jaw that I'd shown my doctor earlier in the day. She was concerned there might be an infection in my mandible. Well, my CT scan was fine, my bloodwork was fine, and my ECG was fine. I came away with a prescription for a few Tramadol pills, and that was that. Jaymie got really frustrated and kind of started to take it out on me, which she apologized profusely for. She was tired and hungry and had had a long day at work, starting early in the morning. She had planned to go work out in her new girl clothes from Torrid, and my going to the hospital screwed that all up. I felt kind of bad, but, I mean, I didn't have any control over how fast they were doing stuff, or how busy it was. I felt helpless, because nothing I said or did seemed to make her feel any better, and of course, she was having gender dysphoria from having to be called "Matthew" on official insurance papers at the hospital. The whole thing was a clusterfuck, and even though we talked later, I was still feeling bad about it when we went to sleep.

Now, the good news! Jaymie and I have found an amazing doctor. I had an appointment with her yesterday to discuss going on T, and , honestly, I was expecting tolerance but not exactly enthusiasm, and to be told I needed to bring in release forms from my therapist to get going with anything. I couldn't have been more wrong. Doctor Larson is exuberant, passionate and enthusiastic about helping transgender people achieve their goals. She actually had the office call me to see if I could come in early so we could spend more time together. I told her where I was in my transition, that I had been out full-time for the past month and feeling great about it. I described it as, rather than gender dysphoria, gender euphoria. She smiled and nodded as if she knew exactly what I was talking about.

After we talked, she gave me some paperwork to sign, and some basic information about changes to expect when going on T. She said I probably knew all that already, and she was right, but she had to cover her bases. I think what I'm most concerned about is losing my hair. I have male pattern baldness in my family. But I have a plan for that. I will just shave my head and get a tattoo, like a mandala or something, when it gets to that point. Until then, I'll just keep it cropped short.

Anyway, she confirmed that the bloodwork was to establish my current hormonal levels so that the correct dosage of T could be administered. She went over the different methods of delivery; I chose the subcutaneous shot rather than the intramuscular shot (ow!), the gel (messy, could rub off on Jaymie), or the patches (my skin doesn't like adhesives, and the doctor said they can be prohibitively expensive.) Now it's just a matter of waiting for my bloodwork to come back. As long as there is nothing funky with it, I will probably take my first dose of testosterone next Wednesday. That's a week from today! I never expected that it would go so smoothly. I'm overjoyed. Jaymie was so impressed with my doctor that she is getting an appointment with her, too. 

I won't lie, there are going to be things about T that I'm not going to like. I already mentioned the hair thing. The other thing I won't like is the acne. My skin is already oily and prone to breakouts, and T will make that worse. Oh well, it's nothing a teenager doesn't go through, right? And this is my second puberty. It won't last forever. In the meantime, if it gets really bad, there are prescriptions for acne, so I'm not too worried. 

So, yeah. Doctor Andrea Larson, you rock my socks.